People Are the Priority

Posted on October 14, 2016 by Suzita

It was clear early on that my friend Christina’s daughter Ava was a bright girl.  She was one of those toddlers who spoke in eloquent sentences when my same-age son was struggling to put two words together.  Her parents were understandably impressed with her abilities.  Unlike other children who develop in fits and starts during their elementary years, Ava was a child to whom all things academic came naturally.

On the other hand, Ava never seemed particularly interested in other children.  As soon as she could read, she was usually more focused on our bookshelves than on running around with our kids.  Still, the adults in the room took notice of Ava’s ability to read at barely age four.  However, I also remember observing that unlike the other kids we saw regularly, Ava never learned my name.  She knew me only as Stephen and Daniel’s mother.  For such a smart child, this was a bit odd.  Ava seemed to see me as a vehicle for getting what she needed.  “Hey, can you get me that book?” or “I need some juice.” 

I wondered if having a kid like Ava, who was so impressive in her intellectual pursuits, allowed her parents to focus only on what was going well and forget to remind their daughter that other people in her life were a vital source of knowledge and connection for her. 

A Problem Arises

Ava’s family moved to Seattle when she was in fifth grade, and since then we have only been in touch sporadically.  Christina called me recently, though, to ask my advice on a few things that concerned her.  She mentioned that Ava had recently been rude when her grandparents visited.  Ava later told Christina that all her grandparents did was ask annoying questions about her life.  When I asked how school was, Christina said Ava continues to be a very academic kid, but she no longer enjoys school like she once did.  Ava’s a sophomore now and attends one of the best public high schools in her area, but tells her parents that school is boring.  She still gets good enough grades, but says most of her teachers are “stupid” and her classes seem pointless.

Wisdom Found

I found some advice for Ava’s parents in an unexpected place.  When Christina phoned, I happened to be reading 30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans, by Karl Pillemer.  Pillemer and his team interviewed 1000 elders with the average age of 78, though some were over 100.  He asked them to share what they had learned over their long lives regarding marriage, work, parenting, aging, and day-to-day living.  He then synthesized their interviews into 30 life lessons. 

Ava popped into my head when reading the section on work life—even though to my knowledge 15 year-old Ava has never worked for money.  Pillemer referred to the elders he interviewed as “experts” and noted that regarding work life the experts repeatedly emphasized: 

“No matter how talented you are, no matter how brilliant—you must have interpersonal skills to succeed.  Many young people today are so focused on gaining technical expertise that they lose sight of this key to job success: traits like empathy, consideration, listening skills, and the ability to resolve conflict are fundamentals in the workplace.”

This piece of wisdom seemed to be one component of Ava’s problem.  She had always been overly focused on her own interests.  Her parents had set up a world where for the most part Ava didn’t need to interact with other people much to get what she wanted.  Again, with a child like Ava who hadn’t required much parental guidance, I wondered if her parents neglected to notice the areas Ava wasn’t so good at, such as working with others.  Over time Ava had built up such confidence in her intellectual abilities that it didn’t occur to her that other kids and adults had much to offer.  If her parents had spent more time helping Ava see what skills and lessons other people could teach her, they might have instilled an attitude of respect for the adults in her life such as her teachers.  Every child will have a few not-so-great teachers, but it’s hard to believe that Ava’s teachers are all bad and the majority of her classes useless.  

Another life lesson from the experts in Pillemer’s book was:  Make the most of a bad job.  This wisdom might be useful to Ava.  An 81 year-old man named Sam Winston summarized this lesson saying,

“I’ve had many different experiences throughout my life where I really didn’t like what I had to do and I would feel what I was doing was inconsequential.  But the lessons I learned doing those things played an important part in my life.  For example, I had to work my way through college, in many what you may consider meaningless jobs.  Later on they were very valuable for me as an employer, to help me understand my people.”

Sam Winston later explained lessons he learned from various people: 

“People are very important.  I have a saying that ‘There is some good in everyone.’  But there is an important corollary to that.  If nothing else, you can always say, ‘There’s a [person I will use as] a bad example.’…You can learn from everyone, no matter who it is.  No matter what their status, you can learn from them.”

Challenge This Worldview

Maybe the message Ava’s mom really needed to give her daughter was “you have unique gifts, but so does everyone else.”  Perhaps Ava’s parents should remind her that there are many types of intelligence—musical, visual-spatial, verbal, logical, kinesthetic-physical, interpersonal, intrapersonal—to help her understand and respect the variety of strengths those around her may possess.  Unfortunately societies which don’t value the wisdom of elders may be more likely to raise children with attitudes like Ava’s.  On the other hand, parents can always challenge this attitude in their kids when they see it.  I think “the experts” would agree.

Leave a comment below!

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What Getting a Puppy Taught My Tween and Teens about Parenthood

Posted on August 31, 2016 by Suzita

IMG_2187As a family we fall on the late-adopter end of the spectrum.  This is challenging for our kids when it comes to owning the newest technology which I’m pretty sure we have none of in our home.  It’s been similar with pets.  After becoming a parent, I remember the sense of awe I had watching other parents simultaneously following their toddler, pushing a baby stroller, and walking a dog.  I knew I’d never pull that off.

When our sons were in elementary school and began asking for a dog or cat, my first response was to say we already had a pet and point to their toddler sister, Annie.  “When Annie becomes less of a pet, we can think about getting an actual pet.”  Eventually, it was Annie herself begging for a pet.  Thus, four years ago we got a kitten, a good first pet for us.  But as it so happened, we adopted a kitty who never turned into the lap cat about which our kids had dreamed.  Over time, our children more and more desperately wanted a dog with whom they could run around and wrestle. 

Last summer, after having our kids do extensive research into the pros and cons of different dog breeds, we brought home a 7 week-old puppy from a dog rescue organization.  Our reading led us to adopt a puppy rather than an older dog in order to have as much influence as possible over her adult personality. 

Looking back, I am glad we got a puppy because in the end raising a puppy taught my kids a lot about parenthood. 

Early Puppyhood Is Not Unlike Life with a Newborn Baby

In the first few days with our new puppy, while I was suffering flashbacks of bringing my newborn babies home, my then 17, 15, and 12 year-old kids were realizing that this puppy adventure was going to be more involved than they had envisioned.  “You mean someone has to get up at night and take her out?” 

It was a cruel awakening.  One week in, we were all fairly sleep-deprived and cranky.  But our children were definitely learning what taking care of a puppy 24/7 felt like.  They named her Scout, after the character in To Kill a Mocking Bird which our sons had read in middle school.  Like all parents, they loved watching her sleep, and couldn’t believe how much energy she woke up with after those relatively short naps. 

During those days Todd and I talked a lot with our teens about how similar this was to when they were little.  We reminded them that we would sometimes go to 3 parks or playgrounds a day when they were young and their energy was overflowing our small home. 

I recall one day in Scout’s early life when each of us had something we needed to do away from home.  We were looking at schedules to make sure someone would always be available to take Scout out.  Daniel said afterward, “So this was what it was like when we were little?  And it was like this every day?”  Of course I wanted to say, “It was at least 3 times worse since there were 3 of you, and this phase lasted even longer,” but I didn’t because just seeing that flash of understanding in our teenage son’s eyes was incredibly gratifying. 

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You Don’t Have Full Control Over What Kind of Puppy or Child You Will Bring Home

It’s one of the most difficult aspects of parenthood—you must learn to love the child you are given.  Sometimes the hardest part is letting go of your previous hopes and expectations. 

All the puppy books said that the earlier you adopt a puppy (within reason), the more time you have to “shape” their personalities.  Now that we’ve had Scout for over a year, I shudder to think how she would have looked if we didn’t begin with her at 7 weeks.  Scout is like that extremely shy child at the playground.  She sort of wants to say hello to other kids, but when someone new comes up, she runs back behind her Mama’s legs. This has also been a valuable lesson for our children.  They have had to accept Scout’s basic personality.  Her complete adoration of our immediate family has at least helped with this. 

After our initial dog research, we had decided the breed we liked most was an Australian Shepherd.  A full-blooded Australian Shepherd wasn’t in the cards for us financially, but we were hoping for a half Aussie.  In the end we got what we refer to as a part Australian Shepherd, part Husky, part random white dog. 

Early on, we took Scout to a number of puppy play groups which the dog books said would help socialize her.  During these groups our kids often wondered aloud, “Why is our puppy the only one not playing?  The other dogs are having fun together, but our dog spends her time searching for food at the edges of the room.  You would think we weren’t feeding her!”  Or, “Is there something defective about Scout, why is she so shy?”  This led to conversations about the varied rates of development of different dogs (and children). 

I acknowledged to our kids how hard it had been for me at toddler play groups to see other kids who had mastered things my late-bloomers were still stumbling over.  Although it felt somewhat ironic that Scout seemed to have some of the same issues that all 3 of my kids had experienced as toddlers, I figured this was once again a great lesson for them.  They were learning that unlike a new bike which you can ride around the store ahead of time, and decide exactly what color you like, puppies and children develop and change in unexpected ways.  You need to work with and love them as they are.

Training a Puppy, Like Parenting, Is Not as Easy as the Experts Make it Sound

Remember those parenting book titles that gave us false hopes—Siblings Without Rivalry, for example? Soon after we adopted Scout we bought, The Perfect Puppy in Seven Days.  What puppy owner wouldn’t buy this book?  And honestly, aside from the title, it included some very helpful training tips.  Since we had older children when we got Scout, we strongly encouraged them to read this and a few other puppy training books which came highly recommended. 

Then we watched our kids learn the lesson that reading about how to teach a puppy a skill is one thing.  Doing it is another entirely.  The real life experience of training your dog to come, for instance, seems akin to potty training a child.  It takes time for the dog to learn the skill, and mistakes are of course made along the way.  Then after they’ve learned the skill you still must keep practicing it with them month after month.  And then inevitably some change will occur:  your child starts preschool, or your dog is no longer allowed off-leash at your usual play area.  Suddenly that wonderful skill you thought your puppy or child had mastered disappears.  This life lesson is simply not one you can “tell” a child about (at least our 3 kids), but experiencing it firsthand with their canine charge made an impression. 

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Dog Days

Now that Scout is close to a year and 1/2, we are further away from the crazy puppy days, and have hopefully climbed the majority of our steep puppy-learning-curve.  Seeing how much Scout adores our kids no matter where they are on the roller coaster of the adolescent experience is worth those first challenging months.  I still get a little jealous when I see other young dogs who run up to anyone wagging their tails excitedly.  But I so appreciate the unexpected lessons that our sweet, hyper, unknown-mixed breed, on-the-anxious-barky-side Scout has taught our teens and reminded their parents of as well.   

How did getting a pet work at your house?  Leave a comment below!

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“I Got My First Paycheck!” The Value of Work in Kids’ Lives

Posted on April 17, 2015 by Suzita

 

At breakfast one morning last summer, Stephen, our 15 year-old suggested, “Let’s all go hiking this weekend.  I have a trail I want you to see.  It’s the one we’ve been working on all week.”

Stephen’s comment was notable for a couple of reasons. For one thing, 15 year-old boys don’t tend to enjoy spending more time than they must with their parents, and yet Stephen was requesting a family activity. Secondly, Stephen wanted to show us the work he’d done on that particular trail, a source of pride for him.

For the last two summers Stephen has worked with other teens doing trail maintenance in our county. Each morning the teens met up at 7:30, and after driving to their trail site, began digging, moving boulders, breaking up stumps, building steps, and creating water bars to reduce erosion until 3:30 each afternoon. Each day Stephen returned home tired but happy. This first “real job” has been a good fit for Stephen. Teens have such a surplus of energy, and it seems fitting for them to put that energy toward a good cause and get paid for it.

I have two teens now ages 14 and 16, and all the books I’ve read on adolescents say that kids in this phase want to be taken seriously. Adolescents want to do “real work” that contributes to their family and community. They feel respected when they are doing work that we parents might pay someone to do. Teens are proud when they are working beside adults doing a task that is truly needed.

Figuring Out How to Best Use Summer Vacation

Each spring, I find myself contemplating these factors when I plan for our upcoming summer. Which activities will my kids benefit most from? (This doesn’t mean I don’t ask them what their preferences are, but I like to consider the options beforehand, as well.) As my kids have gotten into the double digits, I appreciate their willingness to take on some kind of paid work each summer. And I often find myself comparing a sports or music camp to a work opportunity when it comes to summer activities.

Parents regularly hear how valuable sports, art, and music are for our children, and we usually have numerous options to choose from in these areas each summer. While I agree that these activities are wonderful for kids in many ways, I don’t think they give adolescents that feeling of doing “real work” which they crave.

In Dave Ramsey’s book written with his daughter Rachel Cruze, Smart Money, Smart Kids , they titled their second chapter, “Work: It’s Not a Four-Letter Word.” They say it’s vital for parents to teach kids “how” to work. And they add:

We teach [our children] to work not for our benefit, but because it gives them both dignity in a job well done today, and the tools and character to win in the future as adults.

Looking Back at My Teen Years

When I think back on what I was most proud of as a teen who played numerous sports but also worked at a job, it was that I made my own money working alongside adults. I worked in the warehouse of my stepfather’s camping equipment store when I was 15. (Yes, he started me out at the bottom.) Then for the next two years I worked in his store fitting hiking boots, and selling winter jackets and camping equipment. I remember how good it felt being taken seriously by customers who were twice my age. When I consider those work experiences, I realize I gained knowledge at work that I didn’t get in other areas of my life. I also learned that I never want to work in a warehouse again!

Tween and Teen Job Possibilities

Now as a mom, I’ve encouraged my kids ages 16, 14, and 11 to earn money working in these ways:

In The Secrets of Happy Families, author Bruce Feiler interviews Warren Buffet’s banker who grew up poor, working many odd jobs and starting a number of small businesses as a young person. He mentions that Warren Buffet believes running a business is an important way for kids to learn about all aspects of money and money-making.

Life Skills Kids Gain from Employment

Learning How to Work:

These are all the lessons that most adults forget they themselves had to learn way back when. Show up on time. Look ahead at your schedule and tell your boss if you are going to miss a day. Find someone to cover your shift. Stay focused at work. Ask questions when you don’t understand a new procedure. Don’t talk on the phone or text with your friends while working.

Be Honest When Something Goes Wrong:

Admitting you were at fault is one of life’s harder lessons, but one that working teaches pretty regularly. Kids often need support from parents in this area, however, to learn how to handle or make amends for a mistake they’ve made at work. Recently Daniel, 14, was pet sitting. His client left him a check for the job ahead of time. Daniel put the check in his back pocket and there it stayed until his pants came out of the clean wash later in the week. Daniel wanted his client to know that he hadn’t simply cashed the check and requested another, so he wrote her a note explaining what happened, and included the pulpy pieces of the check in an envelope.

Learning to Read People:

When my friend Sue, now in her 80s, looks back on her work at her family’s restaurant during her childhood, she says this was where she learned to understand people. To do a job well, you must stand in the shoes of other people, such as your boss or customers.  My kids have noticed that many of their clients, for example, prefer their lawns mowed or driveways snow shoveled in a specific way.  They have learned from experience that they’re more likely to be asked back if they follow their client’s preferences.

I Can Do Something I Didn’t Think I Could:

It’s been babysitting that has taught my kids this lesson most often. When you are babysitting and a child you’re watching vomits, you clean it up. You just do. At home you would run screaming from the room, trying not to throw up yourself. At work, it’s another story. Or when a kid in your charge has a diaper explosion, you don’t get to make someone else clean it up. The buck stops with you. When this happened to Stephen, he put the child fully clothed in the bath tub and turned on the water. Not necessarily what I would have done, but he cleaned the child up and learned that he could think on his feet when needed.

Life Isn’t Going to Be Fun Every Minute of the Day:

“That’s why they call it work and you are getting paid for it.” Working at a “boring” job can give today’s overstimulated kids who are used to being entertained the understanding that it’s okay to be a bit bored or understimulated. Some of life requires this and it doesn’t mean something is wrong.

Increased Executive Functioning Skills (Or Getting Those Frontal Lobes Firing):

Work requires many higher level brain functions such as staying organized, managing time, switching focus, planning ahead, remembering details, and learning from past mistakes. When kids have a job, they are being paid to practice these skills (the ones that drove us crazy when they were younger) which will help them at school and home, as well as on the job.

All of these life lessons tend to be learned and re-learned on the job. Because it’s paid work, the client or the boss is more likely to tell the adolescent when they have fallen short somewhere.

A Parent’s Role

Because nothing about this whole parenting phase is as simple as I expected, the above mentioned life skills haven’t come as easily to my kids as I thought they would.  I wish I could just sit back and watch as the life lessons sink in.  But as Dave Ramsey suggests, parents should put the time in to teaching kids how to be good employees. We may need to ask kids regularly at first how work went, and problem-solve tough situations. We also may need to role play certain work scenarios with our children to increase their confidence.

Employers and clients additionally might not always have our kids’ best interests in mind. We will probably need to help our kids advocate for themselves by saying no to parts of the job now and again – for example overtime hours. And staying on top of school work and sleep are areas teens who work may need some help with as well.

Overall, the fact that kids who work are basically being paid to learn valuable life lessons (even though it does take some parental support) seems like a win-win situation to me.

What was your first job and what lessons did it teach you?

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One Solution to the High Price of Big Kid Activities

Posted on January 29, 2015 by Suzita

Teen Interview - Sign HereA little over a year ago, Todd and I were having one of our monthly check-ins about family finances, and we came to the unfortunate realization that our family had more money going out than coming in. Ouch.

The previous month we’d targeted a number of areas in which to reduce spending (cable, some organic foods, some weekly driving), but evidently these cuts were not extensive enough. Because our financial squeeze coincided with our kids taking on and/or pleading to begin various new activities, we decided to look more closely at kid activities for potential cuts.

As we weighed these expenses, 2 activities rose to the surface, showing themselves like a child’s shaggy, summer head begging for a haircut. These were To-Shin Do and Children’s Theater. You know how, as a parent, you often have a love-hate relationship with certain kid activities? It usually has to do with how much driving you do for them, or perhaps how you feel about the coach or other participants, or maybe that particular event has always annoyed you. And although you’ve tried to hide this from your kid, it doesn’t necessarily protect it from rising to the top of family budget cuts. I personally, didn’t feel this way about To-Shin Do or Children’s Theater, but my dear partner may have. Therefore, to the financial spotlight they rose to be scrutinized.

First we decided to have a family meeting to find out how our kids currently felt about these activities. Since we’d already given this issue much thought, we sort of figured that upon offering our kids the option of taking time off, they’d concur. First we laid out the situation for our sons, Stephen, 15, and Daniel, 13, inquiring whether, after 2 and ½ years, it was time to take a break from To-Shin Do, a self-defense-oriented martial art. Emphatically they responded, “Absolutely not.”

We then told them that with the rather high price tag for 2 student memberships, we needed to make some kind of a change in our To-Shin Do regimen. For maybe 10 minutes, we began to work more like those higher-functioning families you read about in books. We put our 5 heads together and brainstormed ideas to bring the To-shin Do price down without taking time off.

A Possible Solution

Since our kids had run a “neighborhood services” business for the past 8 years, they considered offering to clean the dojo (the gym where To-Shin Do occurs) weekly in exchange for a partial scholarship. They also were doing a lot of babysitting, so they thought they could perhaps help teach the younger children’s classes. Additionally, they offered to work at the front desk of the dojo as a barter for a partial scholarship. After making sure that the boys felt comfortable with each of these options, we helped them compose an email to the To-Shin Do director.

It was hard for our sons to wait for the director’s response, but that also confirmed to us how much continuing to train in To-Shin Do meant to them. They each strongly wanted to reach the black belt level, and they were halfway there.

Not long after, we heard from the director. She generously suggested that both Stephen and Daniel could be trained to work at the front desk in exchange for partial scholarships.

Our Daughter’s Situation

Meanwhile our 10 year-old daughter, Annie, confronted a similar situation with her Children’s Theater group. Rather than take a break from theater, she dramatically (as any theater kid worth her salt) insisted that she desperately wanted to be a part of the upcoming musical. So, Annie emailed the theater director mentioning that she’d had experience working with young children since she’d begun her mother’s helper business the previous summer. Annie offered to be a teacher’s helper in the young children’s class in exchange for a partial scholarship.

In Annie’s case, the theater director was also willing to take a risk and agreed to Annie’s offer.

Relief!

Todd and I were so relieved that these somewhat unorthodox solutions to our financial concerns had been arranged! Additionally, it felt right that our kids were putting in extra time and energy toward something about which they were passionate.

Not Quite as Simple as We’d Expected

My relief lasted for about a week, until my kids began the “work” part of their deals. Don’t get me wrong, it was still very positive, just not as easy and parent-free as I’d initially envisioned.

Daniel, at age 13, was a bit more challenged by working at the front desk than his older brother. He wanted to do it, but there was much to learn – from the computer system, to how to greet people on the phone, to the process for collecting payments. It took longer than I expected to help Daniel learn the ropes of his new position. I was also reminded that teenage boys don’t necessarily come out and tell you what may have gone wrong at work. (At least mine don’t. Please don’t tell me if yours do.) You have to ask the right questions to glean this information.

“Why didn’t you mention that you’d had a hard time collecting a payment last week at work?”

“You didn’t ask.”

“Okay…”

The boys and I did quite a bit of role-playing of potential work scenarios (phone and in-person) over the first 4 months of this new work experience. If I had guessed how long I would have needed to work with my sons to help make this work-as-barter venture successful, I probably would have said 2 weeks. On the other hand, it kind of fits with my overall experience of parenting – envision how long you think something will take to teach, and multiply it by at least 5.

Children’s Theater Assistant

Annie’s work with the young kids at the Children’s Theater was only a 4 month commitment. As it turned out, her experience of bartering work for a scholarship was smoothest, likely because she wasn’t required to learn as many new skills.

Soon after Annie began her work, the director told me this was a true win-win situation since Annie, who was to be a lead role in the musical, could regularly practice the scenes she had with the young children in her class. Additionally, Annie already knew a number of the young girls in her group. And as you may be aware, little girls often semi-worship big girls. Annie was able to harness the big-girl effect to her advantage during this work experience.

A Year Later

It’s actually been over a year since we began these work-as-barter arrangements. Annie’s situation continued as smoothly as it began, with a little bit of do-I-have-to-go-in-again crabbiness on some work days. Her teacher’s assistant position ended once the performance was over. Overall, Annie was proud that she’d been able to help out in this way for herself and for our family.

Stephen and Daniel continue to work the front desk for three shifts a week, plus attend a weekly staff meeting. They are each more comfortable now with the work, though Todd and I continue to periodically check in about how it’s is going. When it’s dark or icy out, the boys can’t bike to work and it requires even more driving on our parts. On the other hand, this work has required the boys to learn a new level of responsibility, as well as some of the ins and outs of a small business.

“So we need to tell them ahead of time when we are going to be out of town?”

Additionally, Stephen and Daniel’s front desk work is definitely “work.” You’re not allowed to do your homework, or check your phone while at the desk (well, Daniel doesn’t have a phone yet, but that’s another blog post.) Basically, it’s not one of those “fun” jobs. Because of this, this experience has helped our sons better understand what work feels like, as well as make a deeper commitment to why they are doing this work in the first place – moving slowly but continually toward those To-Shin Do black belts.

Has anyone made a similar arrangement for their kids?  Leave a comment!

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How Family Meetings Look at our House

Posted on October 2, 2014 by Suzita

Summer is definitely over.  Sometimes it feels like we have four seasons in our family – winter, spring, summer, and chaos – or back to school season.  Don’t get me wrong, I love it when my kids return to school, and for the most part they do as well.  But for the last 2 years we’ve had kids in 3 separate schools – elementary, middle, and high, and it’s been a lot to manage.

Back to school time is like a wave crashing down. It knocks you over, then swirls you around under water for long enough that you’re beginning to worry, until at last the water recedes.  You plant your feet on the sandy bottom and take a deep breath, thankful that you survived, smiling at the folks at the water’s edge – when the next wave crashes down on you.

These last couple of school-year beginnings have felt this way to me.  So I did what I often do.  Rather than reinvent the wheel (or the life jacket), I sought out ways others are coping.

My sister heard about a book she thought I might like (need), The Secrets of Happy Families: Improve Your Mornings, Tell Your Family History, Fight Smarter, Go Out and Play, and Much More, by Bruce Feiler.  With that title, how could I not read it?

Feiler searches for new ideas in various fields, and applies these to families – something I enjoy doing myself.  As I read through his book, the sentence that caught my eye most was:

“Weekly family meetings quickly became the single most impactful idea we introduced into our lives since the birth of our children.”

I’ve been meaning to put some kind of family meeting in place at our house for maybe a decade now.  This was a sign the time had come!

How To Do It

Feiler models his weekly family meetings on the business world’s movement called “agile development,” a way of running an organization from the bottom up as well as top down.  This strategy uses regular check-ins with many small teams about what is working and not working in an organization.  Feiler’s agile-style family meetings are based on 3 simple questions.

1. What things went well in our family this week?

2.  What went wrong in our family this week?

3.  What will we work on this coming week?

It sounded so straight-forward, I had to give it a try.

How It’s Worked So Far

Family meetings have been slightly less life-altering for us than Feiler, but I’m still glad we started them.  My kids are currently 11, 14 and 16 (girl, boy, boy).  While these are clearly important ages to stress communication, these are also ages when communication, especially with teenage males, begins to decelerate.

Our family meets on Sunday evenings and uses Feiler’s 3 questions as our foundation.  We often start by recapping the previous week, because honestly there are times when things are so hectic that it’s hard to remember what we’ve just come through.  Lately we pat ourselves on the backs for simply making it through the last week.

After this, we’ve had some worthwhile conversations about what’s worked well in the prior week.  Other families profiled in The Secrets of Happy Families seem to regularly have deep and meaningful conversations in their family meetings.  At this point, I wouldn’t call our conversations deep.  I hope that doesn’t mean our family is more shallow than others.  Maybe that’s why our family isn’t profiled in Feiler’s book?   Anyway, our meetings remain a work in progress.  Hopefully they’ll gain depth with time.

Feiler emphasizes the importance of focusing on your family as a unit, not how well each individual has done in the previous week.  Along these lines, our conversations have been beneficial, helping us feel we are on the same team.

My kids have been less communicative about what has gone wrong in the previous week.  It’s tricky because if the kids don’t bring the “problem” issues up, it’s just Todd and me presenting the negatives.  Our family meeting could morph into a place where kids might get in trouble from the top down.  We have emphasized to our kids that these meetings are a time when anyone can say what they feel is working or not, and that perhaps they’ll find a way to fix what’s not working.  Perhaps we need to say or do more in this area, though.

As I write this, I realize we have additionally begun to drop the ball a bit with question 3 – What will we work on this coming week?  We seem to be skipping this subject.  Hmm.  This may be because we haven’t focused as much on what’s gone wrong.

What’s Worked Well

On the other hand, many things have been going well in our weekly meetings.  We never meet for much longer than 20 minutes.  Feiler suggests this, and I second it.  It’s a way of respecting people’s time, and if you have adolescents, it’s a way of acknowledging that they will often begin to shut down (even more than usual) if you talk too long with them.

I just read another great book that suggested if you are telling an adolescent something important, you have 60 seconds of their attention.  Get in and get out.  Interesting.  In the same vein, one of my parental ulterior motives for these meetings is to teach my kids what an efficient meeting looks like – useful information when they enter the labor force some day.

At the end of our meeting each Sunday we open the calendar to clarify what’s in store for the upcoming week.  We ask the kids to let us know if there is anything significant (perhaps an audition or exam) not listed, and mention that it’s important for each of us to know when someone is facing something challenging so that we can support each other.

Our most recent family meeting followed a week when 4 out of 5 of us had been sick.  Todd made the valuable point that when someone is sick, we expect the others to step up and offer extra help either to them directly or around the house.  (When our kids were younger, they wouldn’t have needed this reminder, but it seems that older kids often forget this message.)

Unexpected Experiences

Going through the calendar together each week has somewhat surprisingly become an easy method for considering each person’s priorities.  Todd and I attempt to embrace simple living in our family and these meetings have unexpectedly become a place to highlight some important aspects of simple living.

-How to politely decline an invitation or request.

-What our top priorities are currently at a given moment.

-Whether or not each of us feels over-scheduled and what to do about this.

I think what I’ve most appreciated about our family meetings is that they are a regular time to think together about some of these crucial life issues.  I see this as a process.  As we repeatedly discuss these essential topics, our kids will slowly improve at:  saying no to some of the myriad of opportunities flooding their in-boxes, knowing their priorities, and regularly scheduling down-time in their full lives. And hopefully their parents will too.

 

What elements have led to successful family meetings at your house? What hasn’t worked?  Leave a comment!

 

 

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Sharing Vulnerability with Kids

Posted on February 14, 2014 by Suzita

To-Shin Do White BeltVulnerability.  That feeling of being completely exposed, clueless, clumsy in front of others.  Our kids may be better at vulnerability than we adults are.  Growing up requires them (forces them) to learn new skills and experience novel situations all the time.  Heck, every school year is like learning the ropes of a new job with a new boss.

Sometimes I forget that feeling vulnerable and unsure is such a regular part of my kids’ lives.  Recently I was reminded of this uncomfortable experience in my own life.

An Unexpected Gift

It started positively.  An unexpected gift.  My sons, Stephen and Daniel, train in To-Shin Do – a defense-oriented martial art that teaches awareness of one’s surroundings and ways to defend oneself if attacked.  When my boys venture out some day to travel the world, their To-Shin Do practice is going to help keep my anxiety in check.

I was watching my sons in a To-Shin Do class from the comfortable distance of an extremely poofy couch in the lobby.  After the class, the director of the dojo informed me that a student who had begun training had not been able to continue.  She had turned her prepayment into a scholarship.  The director then told me that this anonymous person had asked that the scholarship be donated to me.  Me?!

I’d been watching my kids learn this cool martial art for almost 2 years and had often been curious about training myself.  But with 3 children in our family, my own training hadn’t been in the cards financially.  My boys had periodically suggested, “You should train here too!”  Here was my chance.  I was being offered the opportunity to try something amazing, and I had an anonymous benefactor!  I didn’t know which was more remarkable.

A Sign

I was a bit hesitant about the time commitment.  And I’m reluctant to say that I was going to miss that soft couch, and the enjoyable conversations I tended to have with other parents watching the To-Shin Do classes.  Still, it was a sign of some sort.  How could I pass up a sign?

Beginner Status

Everyone begins To-Shin Do as a “white belt.”  Picture those karate uniforms.  Well, mine was all white.  Marshmallow came to mind when I looked in the mirror.  In To-Shin Do, all ages train together at each level.  The first classes were fun and pretty challenging.  My initial thought was, this is harder than it looks from the couches.  I regretted the comments I’d previously made to my kids on our rides home, “Slow your body down so you won’t hurt the other person.”  During my first week of training, I realized just how hard it is to “slow your body down.”  I apologized to my kids for coaching them on a sport I’d never done.

A Hard Class

About a month into my training, still wearing my marshmallow attire, I attended a class which included 15 other students (mostly adults), 7 assistants (students further along in the process) and 2 instructors – a large class.  As is often the case when I begin something new, the skills I need to practice are not those I initially expect.  I had realized over the first month that one of the main lessons I needed work on at To-Shin Do was acknowledging when I didn’t understand something and asking for help.  My eternal lesson.  But I was attempting to embrace it as much as I could.

On that day, I looked around me.  I’d never been in a class this large before.  Everyone else had been training longer than me.  I quickly made a deal with myself to lower the bar regarding admitting what I didn’t know, just for that day.  Additionally there were a number of adults I happened to know observing from the comfy couches.  The marshmallow was a bit nervous.

The Dreaded Rolls

Midway through the class, I was feeling pretty good about not calling too much attention to myself when one instructor requested we form 2 lines and do rolls (like partial somersaults) one at a time down the mat.  This was not good at all.  I’d never been taught to roll.  Rolling is awkward in and of itself, but I’d noticed previously that a roll gone bad was likely to end in any number of unfortunate positions.

My first strategy was to move to the end of one line in an attempt to learn by watching.  As I observed, I became more concerned.  In To-Shin Do you roll over one shoulder, not both like a typical forward roll.  My boys had warned me that rolling was hard at first.  Great.

Vulnerability in Action

For about a minute I had a mini-battle with myself between just faking it and asking for help.  I must add that I found this predicament particularly frustrating because as I’ve mentioned before, I spent my childhood doing gymnastics.  This kind of thing usually comes easily to me – or at least that was my view of myself.  Because of this I was seriously considering the faking-it route, when I recalled a message from the book I’d been reading, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, by Brené Brown.  Brown writes that allowing ourselves to be vulnerable is the route to living fully.  It’s something I’ve always wanted my kids to feel comfortable doing, so it was something I needed to practice myself.

I raised my hand and said, “Will you show me how to roll?  I haven’t been taught this roll before.”  Everyone’s head turned.  Surprisingly, a usually patient instructor responded, “Yes you have.  I’m sure you have.”  It was one of those slow motion moments when you are in the experience but are simultaneously watching yourself from a distance.  The watcher-me noticed that everyone was quiet, staring at the interaction between the instructor and me.

Once more I practiced standing up for myself.  So much fun.

“No, I’m sure I haven’t learned this roll.  I don’t even know how to start it.”

After this, a coach showed the roll (in front of everyone) and I did it, sort of.  My roll ended completely sideways, with my feet almost kicking the mirrors at the edge of the mat.  Lovely.  Then I did another which was only ever-so-slightly better, then another, etc.

You might think that when I reached the end of the mat, I’d nearly mastered the roll and was much relieved.  No.  Actually by the end of the mat I had decided that, benefactor or no benefactor, I didn’t want to do To-Shin Do anymore.  And to make matters worse, I was dizzy from all that rolling.

After Thoughts

At the end of the class, I quickly slunk out of the dojo to the privacy of my car thinking I’m glad my boys didn’t see that.  But in my car, I again contemplated Brené Brown’s words.  She actually would have been proud of me for gracelessly rolling in front of numerous strangers.  She would have reminded me that:

 Vulnerability is not a weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional.  Our only choice is a question of engagement.  Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection.  When we spend our lives waiting until we’re perfect or bulletproof before we walk into the arena, we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable, we squander our precious time, and we turn our backs on our gifts, those unique contributions that only we can make.

Sharing Vulnerability with Others

Brené Brown also would have encouraged me to share this experience with my family.  So at the dinner table that evening, I did.

I must say that my kids and Todd were all very sweet about my embarrassing situation.  Each one gave me an example of a time they’d felt similarly, and we laughed quite a bit.  One son told me that white belt rolls are the hardest ones.  The other said that everyone goes sideways when they first try them.

After dinner, we moved to the living room rug and Stephen and Daniel (and Annie who used to take To-Shin Do and hopefully will again someday) helped me practice the over-one-shoulder rolls and even showed me a trick that allows you to roll straight.

On the Other Side

I felt much better after talking to my family.  I decided to return to classes the next week, but mostly I was reminded of the parenting message in Daring Greatly.  Like Brené Brown states, “I want our home to be a place where we can be our bravest selves and most fearful selves.  Where we practice difficult conversations and share our shaming moments from school or work.”

So thanks to an anonymous benefactor, I am not only learning To-Shin Do, but practicing speaking up, getting better at being vulnerable regularly, and connecting with my kids around a sport that we share and in which they have become some of my most helpful teachers.  And finally, by showing my kids my struggles, I hope I am reminding them that our home is a place to share theirs.

 

How do your kids respond when you share your vulnerabilities with them?  Leave a comment below!

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How a Child Gets from Boredom to Creativity

Posted on October 25, 2013 by Suzita

Cat careI love the concept that a bored child, if left alone, eventually finds his or her way to creativity.  Whenever I read about this, as a mom I am filled with renewed hope and energy.

“I’m going to let the kids be bored!  I can do this.  By the end of today, great things will have taken place!”

The Reality

But at our house, this is what usually happens, even on those hopeful days:

After entering the land of Boredom, my child walks through the valley of Moping and Fussing.  Then as she continues on her way, she happens upon the village of Annoying Behaviors where bickering and sibling rivalry are commonplace.  This is usually the point where I can’t stand it any longer and step in.  My child can’t even come close to finding that lovely, shaded path leading to Creativity, no matter how many times I’ve told her it exists.  It must be well camouflaged.

The Long Summer

This past summer, however, things turned out differently.  We’d planned a fairly pricey vacation for August, and thus didn’t put any money toward summer camps.  Our oldest ended up getting his first job, doing trail maintenance which was perfect for a 14 year-old boy.  Our 13-year-old was accepted into a 5-week (free) science camp, and our youngest, 10 year-old Annie, continued with her new love of gymnastics.  Unfortunately, Annie’s gym time didn’t begin until 5 pm so her daytime hours were wide open.

Very quickly Annie got bored.  Most of her friends were on vacations or at day camps.  Because we weren’t going to throw money at this problem, we toughed it out.

The first week was hard – full of crankiness, whininess, and annoying behaviors.  I remember feeling pretty desperate and panicky, and wondering if we’d made a big mistake.

I’d recently begun my summertime yard sale visits, though, and randomly found an American Girl series book which Annie didn’t have: A Smart Girl’s Guide to Money: How to Make It, Give It, and Spend It.  I put it on Annie’s beanbag chair when she was out.  I often place books in plain sight in my kids’ rooms for them to discover.  Sometimes they take and sometimes they don’t.

A Light Bulb Goes On

During the second week of summer, I saw Annie reading this book.  Later that day she excitedly informed me she was starting a mother’s helper business, an idea the book had helped generate.  She’d heard that two of our neighbors had created a “Mom camp” for the summer, caring for each other’s kids every other day.  Annie planned to offer her services to them.  First, however, she spent time creating a name and logo for her business at the book’s suggestion.

Next Annie brainstormed what kinds of things she knew the neighbor kids enjoyed.  When she “pitched” her mother’s helper idea to one of the moms, she offered to bring along specific toys and games for her kids.  Our neighbor agreed to try out Annie’s mother’s helper business and soon she was up and running, working 2 hour stints 2-3 times a week.

The part of this experience that stood out most for me was how passionate and confident Annie was about her new venture.  Whereas in her state of boredom she’d been more passive and helpless, a week later in this creative space she was active, energetic, and more mature.  She’d entered that “flow” state we all love.

One Experience Leads to Another

About three weeks into her mother’s helper work, Annie informed me she had another goal for the summer.  As you may remember, the idea of summer goals has not always been successful at my house, so I was pretty excited merely hearing her use this phrase.

Annie sat me down and told me she really and truly wanted to volunteer with the cats at our local Humane Society.  She knew I’d heard from other parents that this was quite a commitment as training had to be undertaken with a parent, then a regular volunteer schedule put in place (again with a parent).

Last year Annie’s 3rd grade teacher taught the class persuasive writing techniques, and I sensed that Annie was using these in our discussion about volunteering with cats.  She’d thought through the various concerns she knew I’d have, and offered solutions.  In addition to the time commitments, Annie knew our family was trying to drive as little as possible during the summer, so on her own she’d looked up the local bus schedules and found a way to get to the Humane Society without driving.  I think this may have been the part that convinced me, actually.

Developing Her Identity

That same American Girl book suggested readers think about their passions in order to decide what they might turn into a money-making venture.  Annie had done this and realized she wanted to be someone who reached out to animals in need, in this case on a volunteer basis.  It was the first time I’d seen my daughter begin to develop her identity in this way. (Observing this, I just couldn’t say no, even though I kind of dreaded the trainings.)

So Annie and I logged 2 hours of training. Then another 2 hours of training.  Finally we paid $50 for the privilege of giving 2 hours of our time weekly for the next 6 months.  Is volunteering this hard in other towns?

All through the process, Annie’s commitment never wavered.  She took notes during the trainings, and later reminded me of various rules to uphold at the Humane Society.  Luckily our first real volunteering stints occurred during kitten month, with kittens aplenty.  That helped with my, at times, flagging motivation.

Summer’s End

Toward the end of the summer, word of mouth about Annie’s mother’s helper business traveled through our neighborhood and her client base grew.  During this school year she has added “homework helper” to her list of services at the request of one parent.

Annie and I still faithfully volunteer at the Humane Society every Friday from 4-6.  Most of the cats get adopted rather quickly, thankfully.  Recently we’ve been spending our time socializing feral kittens, and brushing the cats who remain there for longer periods.

Annie truly enjoys the work she does with the cats.  What I enjoy is watching my daughter.  During her volunteering and mother’s helper work, I get a view of the person she may be as she grows older.

I also get one more reminder that it’s okay to let my kids be bored – as long as I subtly help them discover paths out of the land of Boredom.

 

How do you handle your child’s boredom?  Leave a comment below.  And if you like this post, please pass it on to others!

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Alaska Impressions

Posted on September 5, 2013 by Suzita

 

glacier ice

Glacier ice

 

“Mama, I’m going to walk in front with the ranger!  I want to hear her tell which berries I can eat.  Oh, and did you see how big the bald eagle’s nest was?!  I spotted the baby birds inside,” Daniel, my 13 year-old, rapidly informed me as he ran ahead along the beach path.

 Our family was taking a ranger-led beach walk in Glacier Bay National Park (near Juneau, Alaska).  As I watched my excited middle-schooler question the naturalist about a bright orange berry, I thought about the times I’d walked this rocky beach at low tide during the summer I worked at Glacier Bay during college.

This park was the final stop of our 2-week Alaskan tour.  As I strolled along the water, I thought back on the traveling challenges we’d faced in this immense state, and the unforeseen gems we’d encountered.  It had been a full trip – the kind you’re glad you did, but then need a vacation to recover from.

Living in land-locked Colorado, my husband Todd and I often take our kids to maritime places for vacations.  For this summer’s trip, during our 20th wedding anniversary, we decided to return with the kids to some of the spots we’d visited on our somewhat atypical Alaskan honeymoon.

Gustavus, Alaska outside Glacier Bay National Park

Gustavus, Alaska

 

A Vast and Varied State

Travel within Alaska was as challenging this time as it had been 20 years ago.  -Well, minus the sea plane which landed on a lake the size of a small ice rink when delivering us to our Arctic Circle kayak trip.  You only need to do that once.

Our family packed for temperatures anywhere from 80°F and sunny, to rainy 40s.  We were going sea kayaking so we also needed thick rain coats and pants, although one person chose not to bring his rain pants and received a natural consequence Alaska-style.

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This was not one of those trips for which we packed clothing we never wore.  More often there were chilly times when we donned more than one set of clothes – like the time a wake from a huge cruise ship that passed us 5 miles away was still big enough to wash over my kayak 10 minutes later and soak me.

Learning to Be Flexible

Midway into our trip, a big storm came through the small fishing village of Cordova on Prince William Sound bringing high winds that cancelled the daily ferry we were scheduled to take.  This meant cancelling a kayak trip we’d planned the next day.

“It’s part and parcel of traveling in Alaska,” we reframed this challenge to our kids.

The train, ferry, bus and plane trips we took in Alaska were also a piece of the overall experience, helping our kids comprehend how massive the state is.

The Alaska Railroad

The Alaska Railroad

 

We saw nearly as much wildlife from trains, buses and ferries as we did from sea kayaks.

Mt. McKinley from the train window

Mt. McKinley from the train

 

Science in the Great Outdoors

As luck would have it, our son Daniel was accepted into a 5-week summer camp on climate which took place before we left for Alaska.  He was therefore introduced beforehand to some of the glaciers and climate change indicator species we’d see in Alaska.

One of our cool sea kayak guides giving Annie a science lesson

Science lesson from our guide

 

For each of our kids, this Alaska trip brought textbook lessons to life.  They’d learned about the life cycle of salmon in school, for example.  Up there we sea kayaked to a river at the edge of the ocean where pink salmon furiously swam upstream in 8 inches of water to spawn.  They reminded me of middle-schoolers cramming and jostling into narrow hallways between classes.

Pink salmon are grey on the outside

Pink salmon

 

“They really do die after they lay their eggs,” Annie said looking at the dead salmon touching her rubber boot.

“Sure smells like it,” her 15 year-old brother Stephen chimed in as he kept an eye out for the brown bears we were warned about.

In Glacier Bay, Todd and I showed the kids glaciers we’d seen 20 years ago that no longer met the ocean, though we saw others which were still calving huge chunks of sky blue ice into the sea.

Cruise ship in front of glacier for size comparison

Cruise ship beside glacier for size comparison

 

Unexpected Takeaways from Alaska

I figured the wildlife and wildness of Alaska would make an impression on my children, as it had for me as a 19 year-old.  But there was an unanticipated occurrence for my kids as well.  They met people doing jobs that they could envision themselves doing some day.  This experience was vastly different from having their parents tell them about an interesting work opportunity somewhere they’d never been.  On our trip, the kids met fascinating people doing exciting things they’d never heard of.

When we were at Ballard Locks in Seattle (prior to leaving for Alaska), Stephen told his dad, “I might want to work here someday.”

We spent quite a bit of time with rangers at Denali and Glacier Bay national parks.  Daniel, our nature boy who says all he needs to be happy in life is a well-placed hammock, realized he had a skill for spotting wildlife.  Then talking to naturalists with varied specializations excited him about the possibility of doing this work someday.

Ranger with sled dog

Ranger with sled dog

 

“I think I could spend a winter in Denali patrolling by dog sled,” Daniel told us after attending the rangers’ dogsled demonstrations there.

Daniel imagining his future work

Imagining his future work

 

“I’d like to take pictures of Humpbacks’ flukes in Glacier Bay,” Annie, now 10, pronounced.

Annie watching a Humpback whale from a sea kayak

Watching a Humpback whale

 

Since each Humpback’s tail has unique markings, a group of marine biologists has photographed them to track the different whales for over 30 years now.

Humpback whale from the beach near our camp

Humpback from the shore

 

“But if I couldn’t do that, I’d work as a waitress in the Lodge like Mama did.  That would be fun too,” Annie mused.

 

Brushing teeth below tide line in Alaska

Brushing teeth below tide line

 

Overheard in a conversation between 2 of our kids in the fishing town of Whittier while we did our laundry next door to a salmon cannery:  “I’m never working in a cannery.  I don’t care how much money they say you can make in one.  I couldn’t deal with the smell.”

“If I don’t work at the locks, I might guide sea kayaking trips,” Stephen declared as we trekked the rainy mile to Mendenhall glacier within Juneau’s city limits.

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It was so gratifying to watch my kids imagine different work experiences they might pursue when they got older.

My Lesson Learned

Walking back from exploring tidal pools at the end of our beach hike, Daniel asked our affable ranger how one gets a job like hers.  She was full of helpful suggestions.  As they spoke, I was reminded that when you travel, it’s not simply the scenery and wildlife, but interacting with the people who know it and love it, that makes a lasting impression of a place.

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What were your unexpected takeaways from this summer’s travel near or far? Leave a comment below!

 

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“You need to talk more in class.” Introverted Kids in Today’s Schools

Posted on April 18, 2013 by Suzita

girl with book smilingAshley is an 11 year-old who lives in our neighborhood.  She’s soft-spoken and curious.  Her big brown eyes constantly take in the world around her.  A while back I bumped into Ashley’s mother and we got to talking.  I asked how Ashley’s transition to middle school had gone this year, since our son Daniel had been through a harder transition than I’d expected.

Middle School

Ashley’s mom said in elementary school her daughter had always had difficulty speaking up and never liked group projects, but had managed to show her other strengths.  Ashley soon discovered, however, that middle school had even more group work and seven teachers to get to know rather than one.  She’d been a good student in the past, but at conferences in middle school a number of teachers said they’d like Ashley to be more active in group work and talk more in class.

Ashley said she would try to improve on these areas.  Yet her mom had noticed that as the year progressed, Ashley seemed to be enjoying school less even though she had good friends.

Introverts in an Extroverted World

Soon after this conversation with Ashley’s mom, I began reading Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking, by Susan Cain, and met many others like Ashley within its pages.  Cain points out that we live in a country that reveres extroverts.  This stance has become more extreme in recent generations.  As Ashley has found, and my kids will attest, group work is widespread in today’s public schools.

Cooperative learning favors extroverts who like to think through problems aloud rather than gathering their thoughts prior to offering them, as introverts do.  Yet today’s teachers are told they must prepare students for the working world where teamwork is the norm.

Cain lists additional research showing that working in groups is not always the best context for creativity.  Introverts do their best work alone, at least for a good portion of their working day.  Studies have also shown that organizations that don’t allow employees to close the door to distractions are less productive than those which do – for both introverted and extroverted types.

Skills of Introverts

Cain also highlights the strengths of introverts.  They tend to have fewer interests, but pursue them more deeply over longer periods of time.  This goes for friendships as well.  Introverts notice their environment more accurately and are sensitive to changes around them, often catching problems in a project more quickly than others. Their sensitivity to people and environments, and lack of focus on wealth and fame, often makes them more effective leaders than extroverts.  Introverts enjoy taking in large and varied amounts of information, and excel at synthesizing and strategizing.

When I spoke to Ashley’s mom, she told me that Creative Writing was Ashley’s favorite class and mentioned that her daughter brought a fairly mature understanding of the happenings around her into her writing.  Her writing teacher noticed too.

Extroverted Schools

Like many introverted children, however, Ashley was feeling that school wasn’t a place where she could regularly draw on her strengths.  Instead she often got the message that she needed to learn to be an extrovert.  Granted, the skills of extroverts are important in life, but so are those of introverts.  If we are teaching introverted kids to be more extroverted, why are we not helping extroverted kids learn the strengths of introverts in school?

Introverts and Modern Technology

Upon finishing Quiet, I picked up Sherry Turkle’s book, Alone Together: Why We Expect More From Technology and Less From Each Other.  Turkle, an anthropologist and psychologist, has studied the effects of technology on today’s young people and our culture in general.  She worries that teens who are constantly online or texting, are not “cultivating the ability to be alone and reflect on one’s emotions in private.” Young people who consistently look outward to their social networks, aren’t learning the skill that comes naturally to many introverts like Ashley, self-reflection.

Having interviewed numerous teens and adults throughout America about the role of technology in their lives, Turkle concludes:

A stream of messages makes it impossible to find moments of solitude, time when other people are showing us neither dependency nor affection.  In solitude we don’t reject the world but have the space to think our own thoughts.  But if your phone is always with you, seeking solitude can look suspiciously like hiding [to those contacting you].

I haven’t quite finished reading Alone Together, but after reading 3/4ths through, it occurred to me that perhaps Susan Cain’s introverts have an extra layer of protection against the allures of modern technology – their natural comfort with solitude.  And they have another leg up due to their tendency toward introspection.

New Perspectives

I’ve always thought of myself as more of an extrovert, and two out of three of my kids are definitely extroverts.  Yet reading Quiet reminded me that each of us has a unique mix of introverted and extroverted traits.  Quiet helped me appreciate my introverted qualities, those of my neighbor Ashley, and my older son Stephen.  The book even encouraged me to further develop some introversion characteristics that I don’t have in excess.

I think I’ll make a cup of tea, sit down in a quiet spot, and finish reading Alone Together.

 

How do your introverted kids handle school?  Leave a comment!

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How to Beat Cabin Fever: The Art of Roughhousing

Posted on March 7, 2013 by Suzita

mother and child roughhousingWhen our middle child, Daniel, was 3 one of the phrases we’d regularly hear was, “Will you roughhouse me please?”  He was so desperate for this kind of play that it was the only time he consistently used the word “please.”  It worked.  Saying please usually does.  I regularly got down on the carpet with him.

Around this time Daniel and his siblings’ favorite roughhousing game was Airplane (when the parent is on her back with bent legs and the child climbs onto her legs to fly like a plane). The names we gave our Airplane variations hint at their natures:  Crash Landing, Washing Machine, Volcano.  Another favorite game of Daniel’s was sitting on my knees as I sat on a chair and bounced him like a bucking bronco while singing a cowboy song.  He, meanwhile, attempted to stay on my knees as long as possible while giggling uncontrollably.

Both Daniel and I were happy and exhausted when these roughhousing sessions ended (which was usually because some part of Mama’s body could not tolerate even one more Airplane session at that moment).

Using Roughhousing to Teach Kids Life Skills

I’d read in various places how to use rough and tumble play to teach kids self-control and even social skills.  When Todd or I wrestled with our kids we talked beforehand about saying “Stop!” if things went too far.  Each time our kids said to stop, we always did so immediately (even when there didn’t seem to be an obvious reason) since we wanted to teach them that you stop when someone tells you to. We also watched the other person’s face and body language while playing as a way of listening to our partner.

When my kids were young, I sensed the importance of roughhousing and the potential it had to teach them vital life lessons, but I didn’t realize the extent of possibility in this play until my friend Kim mentioned the book, The Art of Roughhousing: Good Old-Fashioned Horseplay and Why Every Kid Needs It, by Anthony DeBenedet, MD and Lawrence Cohen, PhD.

I love this sentiment from the book:

Roughhousing is great fun.  It’s also a little dangerous.  In fact roughhousing is great fun because it’s a little dangerous. 

The Art of Roughhousing lays out numerous ways that horseplay can help kids and why it’s a need, not simply a want.  Those of us who are parents of boys have most likely seen how driven they are to make contact with each other and their love of rough play.  But the book reminds us of how valuable it is to roughhouse with our daughters as well.

Rough and Tumble Play Helps Girls

Although girls are more likely to use their voices than their bodies when communicating with peers, DeBenedet and Cohen claim that if girls roughhouse at home, they can more easily speak up for themselves in a direct manner in all aspects of their lives.  Roughhousing gives girls a way to test their strength and power and to become more confident.

What Good Old-Fashioned Horseplay Can Teach

For both boys and girls, horseplay with a parent has the potential to teach emotional intelligence including social awareness, cooperation, fairness, and altruism. This is because rough play with another person activates many parts of the body and brain – from the amygdala (emotional regulation) to the cerebellum (balance, coordination, and complex motor skills) to the prefrontal cortex (planning and decision-making).

During roughhousing, we parents can model for kids how a bigger person can let a smaller person win – demonstrating cooperation and impulse control, and teaching that winning isn’t everything.  When parents stop the horseplay because the child’s demeanor has changed from excited to upset, they are showing their child how to be aware of another person. This is also a time when parents model empathy by spending time comforting the unhappy child.

During rough and tumble play, most of these valuable emotional and social lessons are being taught nonverbally to kids, a compliment to the more verbal and passive academic learning they receive at school.  It’s as if these roughhousing lessons are integrated straight into our children’s growing bodies.  Then when the child has a similar experience later, she has a body-memory already there from which to draw.

Many parents and teachers are hesitant about roughhousing these days.  I think most mothers understand where this ambivalence may come from.  However, reading this book reminded me that horseplay has so much to offer our kids (and us) that it is worth getting past one’s reservations.  The Art of Roughhousing also describes various tried and true roughhousing games geared to a child’s age.

Five Roughhousing Tips for Parents

1.  Tune in to your child.  Don’t simply begin roughhousing because you are in the mood, or it’s a good time.  Notice when your child is ready for this type of play.  (Dads, this may not be right before bedtime.)

2.  Leave time for settling down after a roughhousing session.  Don’t roughhouse just before walking out the door to school, for example.

3.  Make eye contact with your child when you roughhouse.  Eye contact is an important aspect of social and emotional intelligence and rough and tumble play is a good time to practice this skill.

4.  Stop immediately when your child says to stop.  Ask why he or she wanted to stop afterward if you are unsure.

5.  Beware of tickling.  If you choose to tickle your child, watch them carefully when doing so.  Laughing during tickling doesn’t always communicate, “Keep tickling me.”  The authors suggest “almost tickling” when you just barely tickle the child.  This potential tickle can bring on peals of giggles, as well.

Little Roughhousers Grow Up

Sadly, my two older kids have grown too big for many of the roughhousing games listed in this book.  But I have roughhousing suggestions for parents of big kids (and let’s face it, we’ll all be those people eventually).

Here’s a variation of one game in the book which works at our house with kids and adults of all sizes.

Straight-armed push:

Two people stand facing each other with arms out straight, and hands clasped with the other person.  On the count of 3, begin trying to push the other person backwards (still on their feet), keeping arms straight.  This is surprisingly good exercise and fun!  My kids beg for more.

A More Structured Rough and Tumble Activity

Another way to handle the need for roughhousing as kids get older and bigger, is to begin a martial art or similar activity involving two people.  We chose To-Shin Do for our kids, a defense-oriented martial art which involves strength, strategy, and physical contact.  While practicing a martial art isn’t as free-form as roughhousing, To-Shin Do seems to meet a good many of my kids roughhousing drives.

Now I better go rest up because Daniel’s about to get home from middle school and he and I have a straight-armed push roughhousing date soon after he arrives.

 

I’m sure readers have additional ideas about roughhousing, and I’d love to hear them.  Leave a comment below!

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By the way, The Art of Roughhousing might be a fun gift for Mother’s or Father’s Day when the time comes.

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