Kids Sharing a Bedroom: Pros and Cons

by Suzita on May 10, 2012

When our oldest child, Stephen, was 7 he was invited to spend a night in the hotel room of his visiting grandparents.  I expected our middle child Daniel, then 5, would be excited to be the sole occupant of their shared bedroom.

However, as bedtime approached Daniel looked increasingly anxious.  Eventually he took me aside and broke the news that he might have trouble sleeping. “It’s just that every time I look at the closet I think of Scary Green Guy, and Stephen won’t be here to help me feel better.”

You probably know Scary Green Guy as the Incredible Hulk.  On a trip to Target department store, Daniel had seen the Incredible Hulk emblazoned on a 3-pack of boys underwear.  That image was quickly seared into Daniel’s young mind and soon stood in for all scary figures lurking in dark closets.

After Daniel and I discussed his worries about sleeping, I realized he’d become comfortable sleeping on the lower bunk under his big brother.  As Stephen turned during the night the beds swayed slightly, and this regular movement soothed Daniel, reminding him his brother was near.

Daniel’s experience was reassuring to me because having our boys share a bedroom was not always easy.  When asked to dress in the morning, they often happily ignored us and wrestled in their pajamas for another 15 minutes.

We’d established personal places in the room for each boy’s things, and then set up rules about not raiding a brother’s belongings.  Then there were the times one boy wanted to fall asleep to music while the other wanted silence.  Or when one had a bad cough at night.  And sharing a bedroom meant sharing a small half-bathroom as well.

Some days our sons’ room sharing seemed more a liability than an asset.  But at that time we had no other option.

Then one day I decided to adjust my attitude about the challenges of sibling room sharing.  I painted a plaque with the phrase “Close Quarters Create Close Families” and hung it centrally.  Soon I began to notice the benefits of our situation more than the problems.

Sharing a bedroom required my sons to:

  • Regularly negotiate with each other.  (light on or off?  window open or shut?)
  • Be more alert to their roommate’s daily moods.  Perhaps this occurred because sharing a room means you cross paths more each day.  But I think the boys also realized that things ran more smoothly when they noticed the other’s mood.
  • Practice patience regularly.  When you share a bedroom and bathroom, you learn to wait your turn.  And by necessity, you generate ways to pass the time while waiting.
  • Be very comfortable with each other.  The decade of room sharing in my sons’ lives has so far been the time they were closest as brothers and friends.

SOCIAL CONNECTIONS

Our lives include various types of social relationships.  One of the draws of connecting with others online is that you can control many aspects of this contact.  You can wait and watch before you enter an ongoing conversation.  Then you can type a message exactly as you want to say it.  In these relationships you control the level of intimacy.

This is the opposite of what kids sharing a bedroom must learn to manage.  When you’re at your most fatigued you still have to negotiate with your roommate.  He sees you at your best and your worst.  It’s messy, awkward, and challenging, but it’s real life.  Visions of college dorms or marriage down the road?

One day as I walked through my boys’ room, I noticed Stephen had pinned a drawing to their wall.  He was in his architect phase, and he’d drawn a good-sized house, complete with ample deck and small attic room, labeled:  The House Stephen and Daniel Will Live in When They Grow Up.  A sweet 8 year-old sentiment embodying their closeness at the time.

FAMILY TIME

Looking at Stephen’s house drawing, I thought of the recent trend in new home construction with separate suites for each occupant.  I can understand being initially attracted to this floor plan, but thinking of what my boys were learning by sharing a room, I realized this type of house wouldn’t work for me.

It would be too easy to lose touch with my family’s day to day ups and downs if each evening we retreated to our individual spaces to watch a movie on our own TV, or play computer games or check Facebook in our separate bedrooms.  Even reading in our own rooms could be lonely.  There would be no one with whom to share the funny or poignant parts of the book.

As with young Daniel’s experience, it’s comforting simply being in a room together with space for casual conversation.  We are social animals after all.

SEPARATE BEDROOMS

The summer Stephen turned 12 we transformed part of our basement into a bedroom (a DIY story in itself).  After Stephen’s move downstairs there was less jostling, fighting, wrestling, and bickering.  Our family life became a bit easier and quieter.

Each child has had their own room for a while at this point, and I find I must work harder to get people to congregate in our cozy living room.  Sometimes Todd or I lure the children in with food, then keep them there with a board game or chapter book.  Lately we’ve been reading from David Quammen’s book of biology essays, The Flight of the Iguana: A Sidelong View of Science and Nature or playing the game “Truth Be Told”.   But fighting the forces of family dispersion takes energy.

Now that my kids are in or near adolescence, I can see that keeping them connected to each other will be increasingly challenging in upcoming years.  I find myself remembering that small bedroom filled with bunk beds, 2 desks, and 2 bookshelves with sweeter and fonder memories than ever.

 

Did you share a room as a child?  What are your memories – good or bad – of this time?  Leave a comment below!

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Recently Jhumpa Lahiri wrote a striking phrase: “[S]urely it is a magical thing for a handful of words, artfully arranged, to stop time.  To conjure a place, a person, a situation, in all its specificity and dimensions. To affect us and alter us, as profoundly as real people and things do.”

I took particular notice of this passage because her writing affects me in this way.  There is something delightfully unsettling about losing oneself in fiction.  I didn’t experience this quite so intensely before becoming a parent, but since then there have been days I crave a novel with the same desperation as spring sunshine after weeks of gray winter.

Reading the right book at the right time is like opening the window in a stale room.  It blows in fresh views from new vantage points.  It distracts from the mundane, pushes a reset button on the day.  It is perhaps my most beloved vice.  A vice because once I’m in that lovely, faraway place, it’s not easy to return.

My husband Todd knows by now that if I come back from my literary vacation in an unexpected mood, one in which I didn’t set out, this new mood likely matches that of the protagonist I’m following.  Now poor Todd must decide whether to address or ignore this new emotion in a household already brimming with various humors.

But it’s a small price for me to pay – riding the waves of a character’s life.  There’s so much wisdom and perspective to be gained!

When our family of five succumbed to the stomach flu within a two week period last winter, I found myself thinking daily about Louie Zamperini, the man at the center of Unbroken, the popular WWII biography.  Louie Zamperini probably had an aching stomach like mine every day of his imprisonment in that P.O.W. camp.  How on earth did he manage it?  I’m embarrassed to admit how much that man’s harrowing experience helped me manage a few weeks of stomach flu camp – small in the scheme of things I know.

Or the times I read a book that truly changes me.  It’s as if a new classification is added to my brain’s file cabinet, and from then on my memory system shifts slightly: B.C.F.S. (Before Cutting for Stone) and A.C.F.S.

When I read Lahiri’s New York Times piece on writing, I realized something.  I’ve been known to push reading on my kids more than some. This works for my child who loves to read.  Then again he probably would have loved reading with or without me.

My mini-epiphany was that I push reading not in fact because books and teachers say to do this.  This had been my operating assumption.  Instead I think I encourage reading because I love to read so much, and I want my kids to experience what has been so powerful for me.  This realization makes me feel a bit better, though it also leads me to make a mental note:  Just because something works well for me doesn’t mean it has the same effect on each of my kids.  There are many activities which generate similar experiences of “flow” and wisdom in my children the way reading does for me.

What’s Our Brain Doing When We Read?

In the same New York Times section there was another enlightening article on fiction, this time from the perspective of neuroscience.  It seems my experience of losing myself while reading great fiction has been elucidated in brain scans.

Annie Murphy Paul explains that when we read a passage which elicits smell or texture, or describes movement, the region of our brain which controls these abilities becomes active.  Our brains even differentiate between a kick (light up the leg region) and a hit (turn on the arm region). The brain doesn’t distinguish fully whether we are reading about something or actually doing it.  Because of this phenomenon, a deep, multifaceted learning occurs through reading.  This brings to mind that almost physically tired feeling that can arise after reading an engaging story.

Don’t tell my kids this when I’m trying get them out of the house for some exercise.  “But Mama, I was just reading a good chase scene.  I don’t need to run around!”

Reading Improves Our Social IQ

Paul writes that because of the multiple ways the brain is stimulated through reading, fiction is a particularly useful method for teaching kids to understand social cues.  Social intelligence involves taking the perspective of others in order to decipher their intentions and emotions.  Reading can help children learn these skills by watching, or perhaps we should say passively experiencing, social situations in a low-stress, low-stakes environment.  Research findings show the more a person reads, the better they read social situations.

Once again I was back to considering the bountiful benefits of reading.  But with or without these literary advantages, I still only have one out of three children who truly loves to read.  How can I support reading in my other kids?  Unfortunately the New York Times didn’t come to my rescue on this issue, but it turns out one of our local papers did.

Graphic Novels for Kids

Colorado author and mom of three boys, Karla Oceanak writes graphic novels for kids.  She assures us that not only do graphic texts quickly hook kids in, but brain scan research suggests graphic novels stimulate both left and right brain hemispheres due to the mix of images and text.  Oceanak adds that “because visuals are stored more readily in long-term memory, we remember better when text is accompanied with pictures” as well.

The moral of my story on stories?  Just because my particular brain does not happen to “light up” upon reading graphic novels doesn’t mean these books aren’t exceedingly worthwhile for my kids.

And who knows, maybe Jhumpa Lahiri is currently working on a graphic novel that would be right up my alley!

Which books hook your child in most easily?

______

Check out what the blog Imagination Soup has to say about graphic biographies for kids.

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